Premeditated Fantasies

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I have never tried to kill myself,
but I have thought a lot about suicide.
Most of my premeditated fantasies take one of two forms.
Both involve me alone in my 2007 Volkswagen Rabbit.
The first is me, accelerating towards the edge of a cliff.
I do not brace for impact, and I do not wear a seatbelt.
I have never felt a force that strong, but in this case,
I imagine it feels like a euphoric splattering of paint.
The second involves no impact, and also the car doesn’t stop.
Actually, the car keeps going, and I don’t die.
In fact, the only thing that has killed itself is my ability to move forward.
I am stagnant now, unable to change, unable to spring into action
It has been said that “the only change is constant.”
Well if that’s true, then where does that leave me?
Because, I am my only constant.
I am reminded every day how rapidly life changes,
how the storefronts in shopping centers are replaced as if they were never there,
how houses are bought and sold and how people are always moving,
change is always happening,
I am not afraid of dying.
I am afraid of living, stuck with chemical malfunction.

What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments below. Also, if you like what your reading and want to support it, consider pledging on Patreon. Even a dollar a month would help. Thanks for reading and bye for now, Friendos!



  1. That was really good! I have felt that way before but I managed to change that. I guess we don’t always notice the subtle changes happening within us or created by us. You just have to keep moving forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stagnation is truly a horrifying thing…Karandi wrote a great post about it just yesterday.
    I haven’t thought that way myself, but I’ve had a friend tell me about imagining suicide but not actually wanting to do it. It’s something called “thanatos/death drive”, and according to some theories (ahem, Freudian and stuff…), it’s buried within the subconscious mind of everyone. It’s not a particularly positive drive and should be continually suppressed (from real life, at least), but I think its existence makes sense to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s also called Suicidal Ideation, and I actually got the idea for it after watching someone perform a poem about it. It was a really interesting poem so I wanted to try and tackle it in my own way.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s pretty interesting. Well, I always like reading your poems.

        Also, I know this doesn’t belong here, but I just tagged you for the “Let’s All Write a Book” thing that’s going around. Feel free to check it out if you feel like it!

        Liked by 1 person

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